i just got a call from my dear friend. she wanted to let me know that it has been way too long since i have posted. funny, we see each other everyday 2 or 3 times and talk on the phone atleast 2 or 3 more. but, i guess she loves to read more about my crazy world.
i was shocked as well to see that it had been so long since i posted. i had to really stop and think about that. what have i been doing??? there has been all sorts of motion at our house and i can't think of anything to blog on? that is not me!!!
but the past month for me has been one of great hurt in my life and i think as it all kind of exploded this past week to 10 days i just felt drained. that drain is what led to a lack of entering my blogging world.
there are really very few times in my life that i can remember deep hurt. the first hurt i really can think of was the loss of a dear friend in high school. it was tragic, shocking, and at 17 completely impossible to understand. i grieved for a long time and was so thankful to have others grieving with me - some with more grief than me.
the next grief i can remember being so deep was the loss of our 3rd child at 16 weeks. it was an unexpected pregancy and a real shock at first. it was also high risk but seemed to be going well. noone prepares themselves for the loss of a child. i said things in grief that i can't believe i said and i felt things i could never express. the loss is still very real to me. in fact, that little one would have been 4 just a few weeks ago. in so many ways my family still feels imcomplete and the picture of our lifeless child still plays vividly in my heart. that is a grief i know i will carry quite possibly forever.
but this past month has been a different grief. one of great turmoil and self evaluation. i feel offended by friends. i know i'm not completely innocent in all of it. i know that in my frustration i have said some things rather intensely. but the grief in my heart is real. in fact, after waking from a dream about it all on Sunday morning, i said to hubby that i'm truly heart broken over it. that is a term i don't use often. it is one of those moments in life where you feel like everyone is against you and you wonder what you did wrong. i feel blessed to have a husband that stands by me. i also have felt blessed with friends who walk the path with me. my husband has been hurt as well, and i treasure the fact that as we have walked this path we have walked it hand in hand. he has been my strength several nights, he has also been my "punching bag" several nights.
my focus the past couple of days has been to find the positive. this is really hard, but i feel it is what God has asked me to do - to take a look at the good through my grief. i'm praying it gives me a more balanced view on everything.
i have also learned something: truth spoken in love really does hurt. it hurts to hear it and it hurts to say it. i know the grief isn't over. i know there is more to come,but i vow to walk the path of grief with my eyes on Jesus. as we approach this Easter, i am beginning to understand how it must have felt to be wronged like Jesus was. not that i can compare in any way, but to be laughed at, ridiculed, made fun of, and to not even have his closest friends acknowledge Him. WOW!!! His grief is so intense and His love is just as intense.
so all of that to say, my mind has been somewhere else lately. and frankly, i just found that to be rather good therapy for my aching soul.
i was shocked as well to see that it had been so long since i posted. i had to really stop and think about that. what have i been doing??? there has been all sorts of motion at our house and i can't think of anything to blog on? that is not me!!!
but the past month for me has been one of great hurt in my life and i think as it all kind of exploded this past week to 10 days i just felt drained. that drain is what led to a lack of entering my blogging world.
there are really very few times in my life that i can remember deep hurt. the first hurt i really can think of was the loss of a dear friend in high school. it was tragic, shocking, and at 17 completely impossible to understand. i grieved for a long time and was so thankful to have others grieving with me - some with more grief than me.
the next grief i can remember being so deep was the loss of our 3rd child at 16 weeks. it was an unexpected pregancy and a real shock at first. it was also high risk but seemed to be going well. noone prepares themselves for the loss of a child. i said things in grief that i can't believe i said and i felt things i could never express. the loss is still very real to me. in fact, that little one would have been 4 just a few weeks ago. in so many ways my family still feels imcomplete and the picture of our lifeless child still plays vividly in my heart. that is a grief i know i will carry quite possibly forever.
but this past month has been a different grief. one of great turmoil and self evaluation. i feel offended by friends. i know i'm not completely innocent in all of it. i know that in my frustration i have said some things rather intensely. but the grief in my heart is real. in fact, after waking from a dream about it all on Sunday morning, i said to hubby that i'm truly heart broken over it. that is a term i don't use often. it is one of those moments in life where you feel like everyone is against you and you wonder what you did wrong. i feel blessed to have a husband that stands by me. i also have felt blessed with friends who walk the path with me. my husband has been hurt as well, and i treasure the fact that as we have walked this path we have walked it hand in hand. he has been my strength several nights, he has also been my "punching bag" several nights.
my focus the past couple of days has been to find the positive. this is really hard, but i feel it is what God has asked me to do - to take a look at the good through my grief. i'm praying it gives me a more balanced view on everything.
i have also learned something: truth spoken in love really does hurt. it hurts to hear it and it hurts to say it. i know the grief isn't over. i know there is more to come,but i vow to walk the path of grief with my eyes on Jesus. as we approach this Easter, i am beginning to understand how it must have felt to be wronged like Jesus was. not that i can compare in any way, but to be laughed at, ridiculed, made fun of, and to not even have his closest friends acknowledge Him. WOW!!! His grief is so intense and His love is just as intense.
so all of that to say, my mind has been somewhere else lately. and frankly, i just found that to be rather good therapy for my aching soul.
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mindy