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learning to breathe....

so, once again it has been a little while since i've posted. it has been crazy busy for me lately and i have learned some things about myself - mainly one big thing - i am not cut out to be a working mom!!!

i work part time and mostly from home, although these days, i spend most of the day either at work or out in meetings about work. i do get to enjoy a fun coffee with a friend and occasionally a lunch date with hubby, but the past several weeks have been nuts. while i love my job, i have learned i don't cope well.

there have been several days that when i get home the kids arrive just a few minutes later and i am mentally not prepared. i feel like the house is in disarray and i'm scattered and tense. i know, i have no room to complain. i have a lot of working mom friends and i have such a great respect for their ability to fully function in both realms.

somedays i think if i could just totally leave my work at work it would be easier, but my work is here at home with me. add to this the fact that hubby is home and so there is an automatic tension of me not really ready to entertain my kids, he needs some more quiet, and the kids are, well, ready to be kids.

it's been hard lately...my work has been less enjoyable and more maintenance. more issues. more battles. and frankly, i'm weary. i am weary in so many ways. the other day it was beautiful outside but my kids were grouchy. they finally settled in and i took a book and headed outside.

as i sat in the sun and read i started to relax. i was reading something that had totally been picked out for me to read on that exact day. the whole lukewarm thing....oh yes...totally where i've been....when life gets crazy i get luke warm. while this was obviously focusing on my relationship with Christ, i realized how lukewarm i get about everyone and everything.

i get lukewarm in my relationship with Christ. i just get burned out and don't really make myself at home in His love. i get lukewarm in my relationship with my hubby and don't really make him feel loved. i get lukewarm with my kids and am not nearly as engaging with them. i get lukewarm with my friendships and don't give them my best either....

so what do i do? i don't have a clue....i'm tired and weary and feel like the road is long. it is all new to me really. but it is hard...and i know this is not where i want to be. i don't like this place. i crave SPACE...space to thrive, space to be real, space to breathe, space to play, space to dwell and make myself at home in God's love.

this may just seem like a ramble, but well, that is exactly where i'm at. trying to put all my scattered thoughts together - but this i know, this is not what i'm called too...and one day i will have space to breathe again.....

Comments

the pastor's wife said…
welcome to this crazy thing called life in western Christianity, life in ministry, life as a mom and wife. wish i had wonderful words of advice for you, but i don't. we are there, too. i'm ready to pack up and move away where nobody can find me!! at least til i find myself again. then they can find me. love you and will pray you'll get what you need.
March 19, 2009 at 10:03 PM
Anonymous said…
Know that you are not alone.....many of us feel the same way that you do, I think it is an ongoing battle among many of us women. I honestly believe, only because I feel we are in similar situations, that unless we cling to Jesus it will not get better, we will not find what we need. I am realizing over the last few months that we are fighting a battle....a serious one within ourselves....I am sure you know of the scripture talking about putting on the armor of God....well I just reallly started thinking about that, at first I just thought, oh yes that is so neat....but honestly we have to arm ourselves, by immersing our selves in the Word, arming ourselves with scripture, memorizing key verses that pertain to what we are struggling with, fear, worry, etc.....and constantly repeating them to ourselves when we get in these funks. The enemy is very prominent in our lives and he is just waiting to jump in our lives and "mess" it all up......don't let him, instead cling to the truth, even when you don't feel like it....share with your friends what you are going through, even when you don't feel like.....
I don't mean to preach at you, and I know that you wrote this passage a while ago....but I just stumbled on it today. I believe I did for a reason and I hope this encourages you to keep pushing through. I have realized over the last few days, due to some issues here on my end. The only way to battle off my thoughts is to immerse my self with the word, with God and talk it out with people that are going to be real with me and get in my face and speak truth to me, not sugarcoat things and say it will all be okay....because it won't unless we let God back in...even then it will never fully be okay, because it is a constant struggle that we keep fighting, but we can't do it alone. I will definitely keep you in prayer, just know that you are not alone, we all go through different seasons, but God is always there, always.....
Jill
I put anonymous because I couldn't remember my password, crazy how long it has been since I have been on here.
jillmeadors@yahoo.com
April 7, 2009 at 9:06 AM
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