new year. new decade. new word.
i started the habit of choosing a word almost exactly a decade ago. each year the word has evolved and helped shape the year. well, this year is quite likely the exception. or at least i thought it was. my usual yearly reflection takes me on a journey through the year where the word has evolved into something entirely different than the road i envisioned. and usually i am in awe of how God used that word.
this year was strange. looking back on the goals i set, i see failure, not awe. now before you go and tell me i am not a failure, i did fail at the goals i set. truly.
goal 1: grow and develop in a healthy way. nope. ending the year with extra instead of less. attempted, yet didn't follow through on many health plans.
goal 2: grow spiritually through meditation, scripture reading, and community. nope. ending the year with little reading and loss of church community that grieves me deeply.
late fall i started pondering these things. honestly, i was lamenting them. i kinda lost it one day at work and started babbling about my epic failure of the word. i felt like i had writhered more than flourish.
my dear co-worker (really dear friend but for the sake of this story i'm going to use co-worker because she currently sees me the most of anyone i know) stopped me abruptly. she very quickly listed all these other"great" things and i just rolled away in my chair and repeated my failures.
i started thinking about 2020 a few weeks ago. a new decade. a new slate, right? and since i knew i had failed at last years word i was pretty convinced of my word for 2020. well, actually there were two words that kept floating around. and i have waffled back and forth for the past 10 days.
but before i give away this years word, i felt the need to go back and read last years post and journal one more time. i needed to read it to affirm the word i had chosen. to affirm that failure could be set right. and it was there, at the bottom of that entry that i found this:
i started the habit of choosing a word almost exactly a decade ago. each year the word has evolved and helped shape the year. well, this year is quite likely the exception. or at least i thought it was. my usual yearly reflection takes me on a journey through the year where the word has evolved into something entirely different than the road i envisioned. and usually i am in awe of how God used that word.
this year was strange. looking back on the goals i set, i see failure, not awe. now before you go and tell me i am not a failure, i did fail at the goals i set. truly.
goal 1: grow and develop in a healthy way. nope. ending the year with extra instead of less. attempted, yet didn't follow through on many health plans.
goal 2: grow spiritually through meditation, scripture reading, and community. nope. ending the year with little reading and loss of church community that grieves me deeply.
late fall i started pondering these things. honestly, i was lamenting them. i kinda lost it one day at work and started babbling about my epic failure of the word. i felt like i had writhered more than flourish.
my dear co-worker (really dear friend but for the sake of this story i'm going to use co-worker because she currently sees me the most of anyone i know) stopped me abruptly. she very quickly listed all these other"great" things and i just rolled away in my chair and repeated my failures.
i started thinking about 2020 a few weeks ago. a new decade. a new slate, right? and since i knew i had failed at last years word i was pretty convinced of my word for 2020. well, actually there were two words that kept floating around. and i have waffled back and forth for the past 10 days.
but before i give away this years word, i felt the need to go back and read last years post and journal one more time. i needed to read it to affirm the word i had chosen. to affirm that failure could be set right. and it was there, at the bottom of that entry that i found this:
"let's become a particularly favorable environment for someone else"
goal 3: becoming a favorable environment for someone else
and just maybe, i pray, this is one goal i didn't fail. for i have seen a husband flourish in his relationships and business. i have seen my son graduate high school, move to college and flourish in life. i have seen my daughter travel the world and flourish in so many areas of her life. i have seen friends make brave choices and flourish in those choices. i have seen new friendships grow and flourish. i have seen clients grow and change and flourish. and here is the difference..i didn't DO any of that. i simply watched it happen, as hopefully a favorable environment for those i love dearly.
i am one who fears rejection. i have experienced and still experience rejection in some very real ways. it is hard. because of that fear, i am very hard on myself. i see my failures first and fear that i'll be rejected because of them. i see failed goals as dead ends.
but God....
there it is. the "but God" that always seems to show up. God knows our failures. He knew abraham's failures. he knew jacob's failures, adam's failures, rahab's, ruth's....and with each one, He provided opportunities to reset. to refocus. to readjust. to reset.
and that my friends is the word i intend to focus on in 2020.
reset
reset my spiritual health
reset my emotional health
reset my physical health
reset my priorities
to find rest and renewal in Him. He never let anyone sit in their failures for long. He always provided the out, the chance to reset our own course of self destruction back onto His path of healing and hope.
here is to 2020.
here is to knowing i was 1 of 3 in 2019
here is to a personal reset
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