i have this weird mix of emotions when it comes to celebrating me. i don't particularly love to be celebrated publicly, but on my birthday and mother's day i can't be celebrated enough. i know. it's strange. and probably wrong. but it is what it is.
as we turned the page to 2020 i set a few intentions. my word for the year is reset and there were areas i new needed a fresh start. as i prayed through those God made it clear i needed to learn to process and deal with disappointment. i have experienced a lot of that, and for some reason, when i'm disappointed it sinks deep into my roots where i begin to believe i'm the sole cause. i'm the sole reason. i alone am to blame.
so i've been trying to grapple through those disappointments; trying to name them, confess them and process them for what they are and not just see them as a reflection of me. a certain area of disappointment had created this long list of things i believed to be true of me. things that started to define me. my failures. statements i had allowed to become truths about me. one such truth was about my body. i have hated what she has become. she has gotten larger. she has gotten slower. she has lost her beauty. she is rejected because of those things. she had become my enemy. my source of deep pain. i was/am embarrassed by her. i don't want to be in pictures because then i see her for who she is. for what she has become. friends, it's hard. and so much harder to share these truths in this space for some to see.
but...
about a month ago i got a preview to a section in Jen Hatmakers' new book Fierce, Free and Full of Fire. it was a whole list of things she was thanking her body for. it struck a nerve and took hold of a part of my heart. i have spent the last few years hating mine. trying everything under the sun to improve her physical shape.
desperate to be seen as beautiful once more. and then, because of my disappointment with the lack of results, punishing her and treating her like crap. feeding her crap. feeding her lies. rejecting her.
last week as i was reading the book i came to this chapter, read it and cried. after i finished i sat in for bit. but then, i pulled out my notebook and started. simply started writing about her. referring to her as a person. trying to hear God whisper the truths about what she has done for me. He created her. He breathed life into her. He isn't done with her. He adores her. He loves her. the words flew onto the paper as fast as the tears stained it.
...she has learned to crawl
...she picked her first dandelion bouquet
...she learned how to twirl
...she learned to walk
...she has ridden bikes
...she has climbed trees
...she has played sports
...she has carried children on her back and in her arms
...she has cried with friends
...she has laughed with friends
...she has walked the streets of europe
...she has slept on the ground, under the stars, in a teepee, in a covered wagon
...she has shared God's Truth
...she has sung silly songs
...she has danced
...she has sat around a campfire with friends
...she has sat at crowded tables
...she has sat at empty tables
...she has walked down on the aisle on her father's arm and back on her husbands
...she has swam in the ocean
...she has crawled in the sand
...she has climbed a mountain in haiti
...she has walked the crumbled streets
...she has held her children's hands
...she has held her loves hands
...she has smiled, laughed and cried
...she has cleaned
...she has cooked
...she has stood firm
...she has pushed hard
...she has rested
...she has shut her mouth
...she has opened her mouth
...she has been broken
...she has been healed
...she is good
this became a type of a holy moment for me. a place to begin healing. i started to realize my body has been a gift. while i confess that i am not happy with my current weight/shape/size she is still good because God created her. He sees her. He loves her. He knows the depths of her heart. He longs for me to care for her but not abuse her. He longs for me to see her through his eyes.
it has been a bit freeing. nothing in those disappointing circumstances has changed, but i am starting to. i'm choosing to see me how God sees me. He is who matters. when i hear the lies i'm choosing to fight them with truth.
so this mothers day i am celebrating myself. i am choosing to believe beyond the disappointment. i'm choosing to keep writing the list. i am choosing to chat with God about her and listen to Him. she has served me well....now i am choosing to serve her well.
so to the women reading this. make your list. it will amaze you. it will move you. it will change you. God's creation is stunning. and so are you.
as we turned the page to 2020 i set a few intentions. my word for the year is reset and there were areas i new needed a fresh start. as i prayed through those God made it clear i needed to learn to process and deal with disappointment. i have experienced a lot of that, and for some reason, when i'm disappointed it sinks deep into my roots where i begin to believe i'm the sole cause. i'm the sole reason. i alone am to blame.
so i've been trying to grapple through those disappointments; trying to name them, confess them and process them for what they are and not just see them as a reflection of me. a certain area of disappointment had created this long list of things i believed to be true of me. things that started to define me. my failures. statements i had allowed to become truths about me. one such truth was about my body. i have hated what she has become. she has gotten larger. she has gotten slower. she has lost her beauty. she is rejected because of those things. she had become my enemy. my source of deep pain. i was/am embarrassed by her. i don't want to be in pictures because then i see her for who she is. for what she has become. friends, it's hard. and so much harder to share these truths in this space for some to see.
but...
about a month ago i got a preview to a section in Jen Hatmakers' new book Fierce, Free and Full of Fire. it was a whole list of things she was thanking her body for. it struck a nerve and took hold of a part of my heart. i have spent the last few years hating mine. trying everything under the sun to improve her physical shape.
desperate to be seen as beautiful once more. and then, because of my disappointment with the lack of results, punishing her and treating her like crap. feeding her crap. feeding her lies. rejecting her.
last week as i was reading the book i came to this chapter, read it and cried. after i finished i sat in for bit. but then, i pulled out my notebook and started. simply started writing about her. referring to her as a person. trying to hear God whisper the truths about what she has done for me. He created her. He breathed life into her. He isn't done with her. He adores her. He loves her. the words flew onto the paper as fast as the tears stained it.
...she has learned to crawl
...she picked her first dandelion bouquet
...she learned how to twirl
...she learned to walk
...she has ridden bikes
...she has climbed trees
...she has played sports
...she has carried children on her back and in her arms
...she has cried with friends
...she has laughed with friends
...she has walked the streets of europe
...she has slept on the ground, under the stars, in a teepee, in a covered wagon
...she has shared God's Truth
...she has sung silly songs
...she has danced
...she has sat around a campfire with friends
...she has sat at crowded tables
...she has sat at empty tables
...she has walked down on the aisle on her father's arm and back on her husbands
...she has swam in the ocean
...she has crawled in the sand
...she has climbed a mountain in haiti
...she has walked the crumbled streets
...she has held her children's hands
...she has held her loves hands
...she has smiled, laughed and cried
...she has cleaned
...she has cooked
...she has stood firm
...she has pushed hard
...she has rested
...she has shut her mouth
...she has opened her mouth
...she has been broken
...she has been healed
...she is good
this became a type of a holy moment for me. a place to begin healing. i started to realize my body has been a gift. while i confess that i am not happy with my current weight/shape/size she is still good because God created her. He sees her. He loves her. He knows the depths of her heart. He longs for me to care for her but not abuse her. He longs for me to see her through his eyes.
it has been a bit freeing. nothing in those disappointing circumstances has changed, but i am starting to. i'm choosing to see me how God sees me. He is who matters. when i hear the lies i'm choosing to fight them with truth.
so this mothers day i am celebrating myself. i am choosing to believe beyond the disappointment. i'm choosing to keep writing the list. i am choosing to chat with God about her and listen to Him. she has served me well....now i am choosing to serve her well.
so to the women reading this. make your list. it will amaze you. it will move you. it will change you. God's creation is stunning. and so are you.
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