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the revelation

last weekend i had to attend a church leadership retreat. frankly, with all that has been going on, it was the last place i wanted to be and i was going to be the only girl around. not exactly my idea of a weekend! but i went - and drove back home at night.

i came home rather perturbed friday night. hold on, let me say that when you start reading this follow it through before you get mad at me. okay...so friday night i came home and said to hubby i just couldnt' take the slow songs begging God to show up. that was intermingled with prayers to make us holy. why did this bother me? i mean, i grew up in church. this is what you are supposed to do - especially as leaders, right?

so saturday after lunch, head elder sent us on a nature walk. we were told to not talk but just write down any methaphors we find in nature. within about 10 steps i spotted 2 logs that formed a natural lean-to; a place of shelther for the squirrel sitting under neath. what struck me is the natural provision of shelter. God promises in the Bible that He is present with us. He doesn't abandon us. He is our shelter. so why then, do we spend so much time praying for Him to do what has already been done. are you following me here? what a waste of energy - we should be aware that God is present and enjoying Him. when we pray, God come join us, our mind is saying, "gee God, i sure don't sense that you are here. could you get here please because then i can move on."

so now the whole holy thing still had me disturbed. it isn't that i don't desire holiness in my life - i guess i just don't sit down and run through a list of things that will make me holy. i was talking about this with God on my walk when He very clearly said that i was already holy. He made me holy when i accepted His gift of life. hmm....so why do i keep praying to be holy???? well, to be honest i rarely pray that prayer. i have a desire to know God deeper. that desire drives me to Him and as a result the things that make us unholy aren't a desire of my heart. now, i mess up - i'm not perfect and self-righteous - just forgiven.

what i have found is that I enjoy God for being present with me in the midst of who He created me to be. i have known several people that are always crying out to be holy. the focus however, becomes a list of things to do and not do - not a way to enjoy God. when i did my internship, the youth pastor had to pick a book for me to read. he handed me Desiring God by John Piper. great book - it says God created me to enjoy Him. not to think of Him as a dictator - but as One that created me out of His pleasure to enjoy Him.

so, as i was walking the woods and singing Phil Wickham's Divine Romance i was surprised to find that i'm okay. God created me unique and it is okay to enjoy that. while i still seek to do what is right and not do what is wrong, my motivation isn't achieving holiness. my motivation is to know God - and to know God i get to talk with Him, laugh with Him, cry with Him, and be me with Him. and there are times to pray for God to be present. the times when we want to pause and reflect on His presence and humble ourselves before Him. but we need to live in the freedom and blessing of what He has promised - that He is here and He alone has made us holy!

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