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my insides

so if you ask my hubby i'm sure he'll tell you i'm not myself these days. i've spent a lot of time searching my heart. we are all on a journey and sometimes the trail gets a little more intense. a little more rugged. i used to love adventure. and a whole lot of me still does. but this time around i'm not so sure.

there are so many things going on right now. so many big things. they seem small one by one, but when you put it all together it seems huge. i go through times when i start searching my heart. when i start remembering the past and trying to learn from it. usually, i find the answers in that. this time, i don't know if it is that it is all so big or just that i don't get to see the answers.

i keep telling hubby that we need to step in faith. and i firmly believe that, but deep inside i have a great deal of fear. i always thrived on change - now everything is changing and my biggest questions are left unanswered. i see it as selfish, but i see it as the core of everything i feel. what is my role? who will i be left to be? at the end of the day what is God asking of me? they seem like trivial, selfish questions but wow, they bring me to the end of my everything.

maybe it is the simple fact i've always been defined by something. the baby in the family, the college student, the youth leader, you get the picture. but now the roles i'm most familiar with are totally changing and i need to change with them. i'm just not sure what all that means.

if you are reading this you are listening to 2 songs that have spoken deeply to me this past several months. the funny thing is that they are really such opposite songs. one is about being at the end and just giving whatever i have left. realizing that i'm at the end. the other is about realizing that i'm loved deeply, no matter what. and taking great joy in that alone. i am loved deeply.

it is ironic, but what i've realized is that this is really exactly where i'm at. one minute i'm telling God i have nothing left. this is it, God, this is my everything. my pain, my fear, my worry, my passions. the next minute i'm so thankful that God has chosen to love me in all of this. it seems a little manic, but i think we all experience this. i am not alone in this - even if some days it feels that way.

so i offer my insides tonight because i feel the need too. maybe someone else needs to know that even when they feel like they are at the end of their everything that Someone still loves them deeply.

and one day i will look back on this part of the journey and see all that i need to see.

Comments

The Gang's Momma! said…
Thank you. This was beautiful and eloquent. And spoke to my insides as well. I'm feeling turned inside out and upside down, so I don't even know where my end is. But I know I'm nearing it. And I'm grateful for the One who knows the beginning from the end and carries all of it for me.
June 28, 2008 at 9:12 PM
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