for quite some time there have been certain desires growing in my heart. it seems like i've been kind of wandering around looking for something. a searching and a yearning for something. the past few months have been non-stop! just a lot of craziness. and some has been purely because of my selfishness.
do you have those times when you know you need to do something or stop doing something, but you keep thinking it won't matter? there were a lot of things bothering me, but most importantly was an unrest deep in my soul. i knew the unrest was there, and i've even expressed it to a few friends over the past few months. for me, i honestly kept waiting for the big revelation, but i think i was starting to see small glimpses into the unrest.
i love to read blogs. even of people i will most likely never meet. one blog challenged me to read the bible in 90 days. hmm..that sounds interesting. so i gathered a few willing spirits to join me. funny, although all 3 of us are at different places, i am loving it and don't feel much like a failure. i'm enjoying my slow journey taking in stories in larger scales. some of the greatest were incredible mess-ups!
i also have gotten a glimpse into simple living. this has always appealled to me. i believe that until a few years ago we lived this kind of life and not that we are extravegant today - life just isn't as simple. this is where i settle into my complete unrest. i miss simplicity. and i miss it terribly.
you see, i think in simplicity i grow deeper in love with Jesus, hubby, and my kiddos. in chaos we all stress. this begs the question of what is simplicity to me? as easy as it would be to copy the bits of simplicity i like in others, it needs to be the simplicity God desires for me. i don't know that i have that all put together, but i believe i have a few of the puzzle pieces.
thursday evening left me sitting at the top of our stairs begging God for a peaceful home! i had just tucked mapboy into bed after a lengthly battle about snacks, packed lunches, reading, and bedtime. i was exhausted, and remember, he hasn't slept through the night in almost 3 months. on wednesday i got called to the school after about 45 minutes because princess was in a total meltdown. princess, the one who loves school is having a meltdown. 45 minutes later, i left her there in the teacher workroom with a book, a prayer and a promise that i love her. can i just add here that i am so thankful for her teacher and the aides? they are amazing people.
so back to the top of my stairs....i sat there and commanded whatever was causing the unrest to leave this house. i asked for peace to return. then i asked God what i needed to do. and as i sat there my mind was flooded with pictures of simplicity. things i know i'd been craving. and i decided it is time - time to make changes to this house and my life.
i'm not exactly sure how this will all unfold, but i know that last night we slept all night long!! i woke up feeling renewed and had a pleasant morning with the kids. my usual angry mapboy was pleasant, really all day. we enjoyed family time at a friends farm and dinner with our friend out. i felt a peace today in my inner soul. one that hadn't been there in a long time...
as i prayed today, i knew i needed to start with identifying where things were not simple. so, i started with mapboy's room. he is a pack rat - i mean pack rat. this room is often a source of contention as i want it to be kept cleaner and he doesn't. but when i stood at his door and looked in today, i felt ovewhelmed - he must feel way overwhelmed. so i downsized his room. i took out all toys not recently played with. even ones i want to keep. i purged animals, i purged paper, and it felt good. he did some rearranging when he got home, but i think even he felt better.
next step is my job. i love my job, i really do, but in our quest to become a simple church my job is getting more and more complex. this stresses me. i'm not using my gifts to the best of my ability. so i'm starting there too. really identifying why i feel called to this role and how to best fulfill it. i'm also starting with boundaries there. working from home is great - but it also means i put work off until after the kids go to bed. it also means i can't leave it somewhere, but if i create boundaries i can leave it. i can set up work days where i barrel through. and days where i take the whole day off.
home life, phase three. i miss our simple routine. and yes, that routine will never be the same, but we need routine here. we need daily routine and weekly routine. i need meal plans and shopping lists and a shopping day. i need a cleaning and laundry day. our kids need consitant chores. while that all sounds selfish, i think it is what God has for me and our house. it creates rythm and i believe God Himself created us with that built in. so i long to find the routines that work for us. ones that build our family unit. ones that keep us moving. ones that allow freedom to serve others.
i have a lot of desires tucked away in my heart. i'm asking God to bring them out in His time and His way. i don't want to copy what others have - just purely and simply be exactly who i need to be. i want to feel enough order to freely give my time, gifts, and service to others. mostly, i want to feel that i'm at rest - and that doesn't mean content to not grow and change, but at rest in God, growing and changing in Him.
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