gripped by fear

this post is weird. hard to explain and will probably be a bit all over the place, but bear with me as i bear my soul and share a bit of my journey.

i was never a fearful girl. i kinda always thought life was an amazing journey that was full of risks. i lived by the motto that God was in control and that was that. then that all changed. kind of overnight, but then not really. or i should say, it changed but i didn't grasp it.

when i first got sick in november of 2010 it started with feelings of passing out. i never did, but the fact that 3 -4 times i'd waiver in a store and grip whatever was nearest was enough to start building fear. i would almost panic going into a store. as the dizzyness built it just got overwhelming. and that is what i thought it was - pure overwhelmnant (pretty sure that isn't a real word). then fear gripped me about a variety of things:

...i was sure i had blood clots in my legs that would kill me at any moment.

...i was also sure i had a brain tumor

...i was also sure that i would pass out while driving my kids around and they would die in an accident because of me

(i do not make light of those issues - they are very real and i know several people who have had all of these. this is just me bearing my fears that gripped me! i do have high blood pressure and cholestoral. my dad has an aneursym.)

and that was all in the first few months of this horrible sickness.

i had been assured the first two were not true, but i could never shake the fear. it started to grip me. i even had a few panic attacks. honestly i would laugh about it around my friends. and frankly, in many ways it was comical, but had begun to grip my heart. as the year progressed i learned to cope with those fears. i repeated scripture over and over and over. i read one thousand gifts by ann voskamp. she got me. irrational fears and all. then i started counting my gifts. that was the beginning of the healing journey. it drew me to God. it forced me to see His provision, His hand on my life. while i knew it was there, the cloud of fear had clouded my eyes.

i had started to learn what it meant to totally depend on God. and when i felt like i couldn't i would utter, "help my unbelief!" bit by bit, i started to conquor those fears with Jesus. i learned to take my thoughts captive about my physical fears. God led me to find some healing to the dizzyness. it was refreshing and amazing.

but an ugly thing happened. God started to open my eyes to the little irrational fears that filled my life. i had read a book on overcoming fear. in there it talked about living in the "what ifs." it explained that God promises to give us our daily bread and strength and grace for whatever we encounter. but it also pointed out that by living in the what if's i'm telling God i don't trust Him to provide what I need in that time. hmm..interesting thought.

what if's filled my life. some were bizarre and silly, but frankly still wrapped in fear. i think it is easy to laugh them off as crazy quirks, but fear is truly a sin. (i don't mean fear of a bear attacking me and wanting to protect myself when face to face with a bear.) fear has held me back from some great opportunities. here are some of the fears God has opened my eyes too:

...fear of meeting someone new. i read a girls blog. she cracks me up and i'm sure that we are kindred spirits, but she doesn't know me at all. i have a friend that went to college with her. she blogs here. (check her out!) she posted about something i believe in and invited people to come help out. i was gripped by fear that she would find me freaky....weird. i know, but because of that fear i didn't help in the project.

...fear of letting go. sometimes it is hard to let go of things and move on to others. this one maybe isn't so funny, unless of course you are fearful of letting go of your teddy bear that you still sleep with! i left chubs at home while gone for a week. it was hard, but kind of freeing. he is still in my arms at night though:)

...fear of driving....i won't go into gory detail, but sometimes while driving i can imagine the what ifs that aren't pretty. however, today i drove all by myself to the city in a rainstorm with much confidence.

...fear of failure. what if my hubby's work dries up?

...fear of chiropractors. yes, i was fearful one crack would paralyze me. seriously! but this week i marched myself into one, told her just that. she put me on the table, cracked me, and said, "so, can you walk?" she was very gracious with my honesty.

you see, i think we all have fears. we just mask them.

letting go of chubs - i breathe better at night holding him

fear of meeting someone new - i have enough friends in my life

fear of driving - i'm on a spending freeze

fear of failure - i'm in complete control

fear of chirpractors - well, there is no mask for that one - just a quirk i guess

fear is real. fear is a sin. i heard there are 365 verses about fear. i'd like to find them all.

but this is what i know - God is helping me to face each and every one. for real. and while i chuckle about most of them. i'm learning that God is sovereign. i just kind of forgot for awhile. i'm so thankful for the friends who extended grace, encouragment and wisdom. i'm thankful for doctors who are honest and humored. i'm thankful for a family that laughs with me. but most of all i'm thankful for a gracious, forgiving God that faces our fears with us.