21

my theme for the year is "be still."  ironically, it has been a jam packed on the go winter and only picks up the next couple of months.  but this summer our pastor is taking a sabbatical and has asked all of us as staff to consider a specific renewal plan for ourselves.  honestly, i feel like finding a chance to slow down is near impossible. however, while on a walk last weekend i had the number 21 come to mind.  i also know without a doubt it is somehow connected to my personal renewal, yet have no idea in what way.  i shared this number and renewal idea with a friend that offered to pray about it for me.  that was about 10 days ago now.  

that friend and i met last monday.  she said she had a few ideas:  there are 21 chapters in John and Judges, or was i to reflect on something that happened when i was 21?  i paused for a moment to place myself back at age 21.  then laughed when i said, "i changed my major to kid and youth ministry.  does this mean i'm going to have another big life changing moment?"  we talked a bit more and on i went.  (i had planned to graduate with an english major/creative writing minor go on to law school on the east coast and marry a rich man!)

last week was also my annual evaluation at work.  i''m not a big fan of those.  not because i don't appreciate the feedback.  i truly do...but the whole process just makes me uncomfortable and weird. it went well.  there were some great encouraging things and some areas to grow in, but i truly left there okay.  however, i couldn't shake the 21 thing.

you may wonder where i'm going with this, frankly i am to.  i believe in being real and honest.  it isn't always easy, but it is in the raw honesty that i find i grow, change, and move forward.  this past year has been a year of discouragement ministry wise.  nothing bad has happened.  kids have actually given their lives to Christ and been baptized.  others are learning about Jesus for the first time.  small group leaders are being changed because of their kids.  but for some reason i just felt discouraged. alone. weary.  maybe it is the 7 year itch.  i've been in my current role for just over 7 years and maybe i was bored. maybe i was starting to wonder if any of it mattered anymore?  

so from wednesday to saturday i pondered those questions.  i rolled them over in my head.  i had screwed up the Sunday morning curriculum yet again and was just frustrated with myself.  Sunday morning  came and i woke up determined to have a positive attitude! after getting things settled i decided to pop in to first service and listen to the youth group share about their upcoming trip to costa rica.  they were playing a slide show from 2 years ago and i just sat there crying.  on that screen were my kids.  not my actual birth kids, but my kids.  the kids that drove us all up a tree when they were young and goofing around.  kids that were once into singing songs with motions and shouting bible verses at me.  the kids that i went ziplining with.  kids i sat and made crafts with.  kids that met Jesus by my favorite tree ever.  kids that i wasn't sure would ever "get it!"  but there they were.  with orphans on their shoulders, delivering food to the hungry, sharing God's love with people they didn't know.  those kids now serve in my ministry.  they teach the younger kids. they wipe noses.  they serve snacks. they love.  i've even gone to haiti with some of them.

so as i sat their crying i knew it had mattered.  it isn't about me.  it's about all the people who taught them over the years. it was the storytellers, the teachers, the worship leaders, the small group leaders, the retreat leaders, the church members that stood up and made an impact on those kids.  those same people are now leaving a mark in costa rica because of these kids.  

sunday night, we took our 5/6 graders to serve in a  homeless shelter.  i was sharing these thoughts with one of the leaders on our way.  he has taught so many of those kids himself.  we agreed, it isn't about us, but wow!  to see those kids grow to serve God just moves you to tears.  it's humbling.  it's exciting.  it's life giving. 

so what does this have to do with 21 and being still?  Sunday morning those 2 things collided.  i sat there in awe that God would choose to have called me into ministry when i was 21.  i'm thankful i obeyed.  i'm thankful for the ministries God has placed me in.  i'm thankful.  it was in that moment of stillness that God revealed a bit of Himself through those kids.

and to you, reader.  i'm not sure where you are at in life.  but this i know.  somewhere is a child or a teen.  and they need you.  share life with them.  teach them.  love them.  stay up late with them.  sit in a dunk tank all night for them.  if you go to crossroads, get involved in our kids and youth ministries! a piece of your heart will forever go with them.  here are some of the pieces of my heart....

this one heads off to college after a return trip to costa rica this summer...

this girl in blue...last week i got to meet her sweet baby.  all grown up with an amazing husband and baby!!!

these three?  the middle one is mine.  the girl is my second daughter.  they serve together each week in our 3/4 year old class.  the other boy...he's my go to sub, heading to costa rica, and doesn't know it yet but will be joining my team in the fall!

this boy...he's cool.  he's my nephew.  i've watched him grow, struggle, served in haiti with him twice.  he's heading to costa rica this year, then on to college to become a doctor.  he hopes to be a medical missionary someday.

these girls on the front row....oh my heart!!  all have or are serving in our kids ministry.  all have been to costa rica.  all are going back.  in fact the one on the right.  she's been there all year with plans to return for another year.  the one on the left has been leading a small group on sunday mornings since she was in 8th grade.  she's a senior this year.  that's commitment!

this girl in the blue dress....she's mine.  well not really, but yet she is.  went to haiti with her last year.  she teaches our preschool class with her mom.  she cleans our church.  

these 2 little girls...they just served their hearts out at the rescue mission with me sunday.  the one in the middle.  she's off in the navy.  

this one....he may or may not have been part of the reason we removed our 5/6 graders from our kids ministry!  but he was one of my best small group leaders for 4 years.  now he's at college. loves God.  wants to start a hospital in africa.  seriously???

i'd actually come up with a partial plan for my "21 renewal" on friday night.  then this happened.  this glimpse was a gift from God.  one i needed desperately to see.  one that will continue to be a part of this renewal.  God changed the course of my life when i was 21.