the back door

most of you know i chose a word of the year. i take that word and weave it into my life and see just where it might lead.  as i pondered choosing a word for 2018 i found myself leaving my job of 13 years, my church of 25 years, and the community there i had come to love.  i was hurt.  i was scared.  i was worried.  i was sad.  incredibly sad.  incredibly hurt.  mad at myself.  defeated.  and believing all sorts of things about myself.   so as i pondered what 2018 might bring i felt a lot of uncertainty.  a lot of questions.  a lot of stress.  a lot of worry.  and for whatever reason i decided unhindered was a good word.  i was going to take my problems and turn them into loving others unhindered.  and 2018 began. my journey through the year has been a wild, rugged road.  it felt like a steep climb that i hoped would someday turn into an amazing view, if i made it.  and i hone...

i like words.  i like to speak them.  i like to think them.  i like to hear them.  i like to study them.  i like being able to name something.  each and everything should have a name.  and when i couldn't put a name to the emotion wrestling in my heart over all i had lost, over all i was feeling, over what hurt deep, i was lost.  i needed to name it.  but, for a lot of months i just couldn't.  so i wrestled.  wrestled with God.  just like jacob. and just like jacob, my wrestling match with God left me limp. limp and sitting at the pool of: {rejection} for that was it.  that was the emotion.  it now had a name:  rejection. it came completely out of the blue.  it hit me like a crashing wave one afternoon.  i shouldn't be surprised by God, but this caught me off guard. it's hard to share my story.  i still live surrounded by it.  and all of the various truths and falsehoods associated wit...

the past few months have been full of change and transition.  i'm not gonna lie, it's been hard, yet somehow peaceful.  after 13 years in ministry at the same church and 20 years as part of that church, stepping back and leaving felt overwhelming and daunting.  there was a great deal of sadness and loss.  for the kids i taught, for the team i worked with, for the friends i met, and for my own kids who only knew one church home.   over the past two months i've done a little contemplation and a whole of lot of asking why.  but as God always does, He reveals His answers in the most simply beautiful ways.  and the past two weeks have been full of His revelation.   back in college i learned a whole slew of cheesy bible verse songs.  they drove me batty back then, but the truth is, they are the first to come to mind as i seek the Lord.  this seeking was no different as one verse was playing through my mind over and over....

“Look through there.  Just look.  Gaze for a few minutes, boy. Do you see it, boy? Do you see it?” Looking back, even through a small hole, creates a unique perspective on the past.  And while it may somewhat limit our view, it also changes our perspective.  I find myself working on living in the present.  In a world of hustle it is easy to get distracted and not at all focused on the here and now.  Or sometimes we are so caught up in trying to find our dreams and plan for the future that we forget to live in the present.  Being present is hard, yet so deeply needed.  It is important to my husband, my children, my friends, my neighbors, and most importantly God.  For in the present we are able to see the need in front of us. To act upon those needs.  To be the hands and feet of Jesus. I believe God calls us to be present. The world tells us to set goals; financial, health, professional, family.  We spend hours crea...

last night i sat with a group of friends around the table.  it was such a sweet time.  full of laughter, tears, and stories better kept at that table. as we sat there i took a few minutes to take in the people around the table.  some i've known forever.  some are new friends.  some were students in our ministries, turned dear friends. i'm blessed with amazing friends from so many places.  and so many friends have carried my through the year. 2017 has been the year of the winding road.  in choosing the word present for 2017 i sought to slow down and soak in those around me.  there were surprises at every single curve in the road.  the road became quite hilly along the way filled with all sorts of highs and lows, but while sitting at a table one day, the road came to a dead end i found myself lost and confused.  and it was there at that dead end that i met Jesus.  don't get me wrong.  i met Jesus years ago, but at t...