the back door

i have this weird mix of emotions when it comes to celebrating me.  i don't particularly love to be celebrated publicly, but on my birthday and mother's day i can't be celebrated enough.  i know.  it's strange.  and probably wrong.  but it is what it is. as we turned the page to 2020 i set a few intentions.  my word for the year is reset and there were areas i new needed a fresh start.  as i prayed through those God made it clear i needed to learn to process and deal with disappointment.  i have experienced a lot of that, and for some reason, when i'm disappointed it sinks deep into my roots where i begin to believe i'm the sole cause.  i'm the sole reason. i alone am to blame. so i've been trying to grapple through those disappointments; trying to name them, confess them and process them for what they are and not just see them as a reflection of me.  a certain area of disappointment had created this long list of things i believed to...

new year.  new decade. new word.  i started the habit of choosing a word almost exactly a decade ago.  each year the word has evolved and helped shape the year. well, this year is quite likely the exception.  or at least i thought it was.  my usual yearly reflection takes me on a journey through the year where the word has evolved into something entirely different than the road i envisioned. and usually i am in awe of how God used that word. this year was strange.  looking back on the goals i set, i see failure, not awe.  now before you go and tell me i am not a failure, i did fail at the goals i set.  truly.  goal 1:  grow and develop in a healthy way.  nope.  ending the year with extra instead of less.  attempted, yet didn't follow through on many health plans.  goal 2:  grow spiritually through meditation, scripture reading, and community.  nope.  ending the year with little reading and loss ...

for the past 10 years or so I have personally chosen to participate in lent in some way.  lent hadn't been a part of my growing up years and still isn't really a part of our church life, but it has found its way into a part of my own faith journey and each year has been a little different.  this year was no exception. so let me back track just a little.  last summer i started a weight loss journey with my nurse.  she faithfully pushed me, challenged me, weighed me, encouraged me and cheered me on.  i remember telling her i'd try her plan, lose 7 and gain back 10.  she told me this time would be different. and well, she was right.  i lost weight...beyond the 7 pounds.  i was ecstatic!!! in december, i knew God had given me the word flourish for 2019.  i wrote some goals in my journal about flourish.  a section of those goals included my weight, but the holidays snuck in and carbs tempted me.  i gave in to the swedish fish during ...

this tradition of a word of the year has proven to be one of my favorites.  the focus it provides.  the journey it provides.  the revealing of God.  this word thing is special. this might be the first time in the past 10 or so years that my word of the year was actually given to me.  spoken to me.  written to me.  gifted to me.  and the moment i heard it, read it, received it, i knew.  this was my word for 2019. this gift arrived early november as i had just stepped into a part of something that in the past had left me feeling defeated, unwanted, wrong, and confused.  but i was willing to try just one more time at her rather persistent encouragement and the gift of new friends.  while away that weekend, listening to my friends share their stories, listening to those in small group share their hearts, and being given the time to craft, i knew.  i knew that God was whispering "it's time to flourish my child.  it...

most of you know i chose a word of the year. i take that word and weave it into my life and see just where it might lead.  as i pondered choosing a word for 2018 i found myself leaving my job of 13 years, my church of 25 years, and the community there i had come to love.  i was hurt.  i was scared.  i was worried.  i was sad.  incredibly sad.  incredibly hurt.  mad at myself.  defeated.  and believing all sorts of things about myself.   so as i pondered what 2018 might bring i felt a lot of uncertainty.  a lot of questions.  a lot of stress.  a lot of worry.  and for whatever reason i decided unhindered was a good word.  i was going to take my problems and turn them into loving others unhindered.  and 2018 began. my journey through the year has been a wild, rugged road.  it felt like a steep climb that i hoped would someday turn into an amazing view, if i made it.  and i hone...

i like words.  i like to speak them.  i like to think them.  i like to hear them.  i like to study them.  i like being able to name something.  each and everything should have a name.  and when i couldn't put a name to the emotion wrestling in my heart over all i had lost, over all i was feeling, over what hurt deep, i was lost.  i needed to name it.  but, for a lot of months i just couldn't.  so i wrestled.  wrestled with God.  just like jacob. and just like jacob, my wrestling match with God left me limp. limp and sitting at the pool of: {rejection} for that was it.  that was the emotion.  it now had a name:  rejection. it came completely out of the blue.  it hit me like a crashing wave one afternoon.  i shouldn't be surprised by God, but this caught me off guard. it's hard to share my story.  i still live surrounded by it.  and all of the various truths and falsehoods associated wit...

the past few months have been full of change and transition.  i'm not gonna lie, it's been hard, yet somehow peaceful.  after 13 years in ministry at the same church and 20 years as part of that church, stepping back and leaving felt overwhelming and daunting.  there was a great deal of sadness and loss.  for the kids i taught, for the team i worked with, for the friends i met, and for my own kids who only knew one church home.   over the past two months i've done a little contemplation and a whole of lot of asking why.  but as God always does, He reveals His answers in the most simply beautiful ways.  and the past two weeks have been full of His revelation.   back in college i learned a whole slew of cheesy bible verse songs.  they drove me batty back then, but the truth is, they are the first to come to mind as i seek the Lord.  this seeking was no different as one verse was playing through my mind over and over....