the back door

 well....here we are.  wrapping up 2020.  it was quite a year, wasn't it?  for the past couple of weeks i've been taking some time to reflect on my word for 2020 and how it shaped the year.  the ways it changed me.  the ways i failed it.  they ways i found a reset. there is no point in rehashing the events of 2020.  i mean, it was a year no one will quickly forget, but i had no idea all the ways 2020 would force some resets in my life. i had wanted to reset my spiritual life.  that proved interesting when we found ourselves at home on Sunday mornings instead of in church.  it proved interesting as church community was displaced.   but God... He so clearly showed me that spiritual health happens outside of church walls on Sunday mornings.  i experienced growth as i was challenged to seek out how God would want me to respond to Covid, personal rights, the election, racism, hatred, and division.  i grew in different ways and found myself resetting my faith and aligning closer to J

i have this weird mix of emotions when it comes to celebrating me.  i don't particularly love to be celebrated publicly, but on my birthday and mother's day i can't be celebrated enough.  i know.  it's strange.  and probably wrong.  but it is what it is. as we turned the page to 2020 i set a few intentions.  my word for the year is reset and there were areas i new needed a fresh start.  as i prayed through those God made it clear i needed to learn to process and deal with disappointment.  i have experienced a lot of that, and for some reason, when i'm disappointed it sinks deep into my roots where i begin to believe i'm the sole cause.  i'm the sole reason. i alone am to blame. so i've been trying to grapple through those disappointments; trying to name them, confess them and process them for what they are and not just see them as a reflection of me.  a certain area of disappointment had created this long list of things i believed to be true of me. 

new year.  new decade. new word.  i started the habit of choosing a word almost exactly a decade ago.  each year the word has evolved and helped shape the year. well, this year is quite likely the exception.  or at least i thought it was.  my usual yearly reflection takes me on a journey through the year where the word has evolved into something entirely different than the road i envisioned. and usually i am in awe of how God used that word. this year was strange.  looking back on the goals i set, i see failure, not awe.  now before you go and tell me i am not a failure, i did fail at the goals i set.  truly.  goal 1:  grow and develop in a healthy way.  nope.  ending the year with extra instead of less.  attempted, yet didn't follow through on many health plans.  goal 2:  grow spiritually through meditation, scripture reading, and community.  nope.  ending the year with little reading and loss of church community that grieves me deeply. late fall i started pondering thes