the past couple weeks have definitely had me on a roller coaster of emotions. between sending my kids back to school, both in high school now, and the events of the world, august has left me feeling all sorts of feels.
several years ago, our pastor had all the staff do this strength finders test. it was designed to help us learn about ourselves. my top 2 didn't really surprise me: strategic and belief. they tend to be both a blessing and a curse. mostly a curse.
i feel big feels. and when i feel them, i can't shake them. and i love to find solutions. and lately i've felt a lot of big feels, but the solutions? they allude me...
this morning i was driving to church and listening to a sermon. the pastor has been talking about joshua leading into the promise land. today he was sharing how the truth is that God has it. God has everything in His control. He could have knocked down the walls without any help from the Israelites, yet He gave them strict directions - march, yell, obey, do. as i've pondered the "church's" reaction to the rampant racism it seems that a lot of us would like to hide behind the "God's got this" idea.
later, as we stood to worship we sang the song "it is well" by bethel. i've always loved the story behind this hymn. and i still do. but i have to confess, that today i couldn't sing the chorus. i just couldn't. in my heart, IT IS NOT WELL. the author of this hymn lost his family in a tragic accident. and i believe he could truly struggle through the pain to say it is well. God has got him. God is still good. there have been a lot of times in my life where this has been a proclamation of mine. where that was my anthem. but today, i just couldn't.
it is NOT well when our elementary kids are excited about Trump building a wall to keep those people out. it is NOT well when some people still question why i desire to provide food to hungry kids.
what is going on in the world today? yes, God is in control. yes, God is still good. BUT, i believe just like He called the Israelites years ago, we are not supposed to just sit back and say that God is in control. i have to believe He is asking us, me, to do something. to fight. to march. to yell. to knock down the walls of racism. to knock down the walls of injustice. to be kind. to love well. to serve. to dream together. to provide hope. to share Jesus.
i used to think i was a fighter. that i was willing to take some steps to be the good. to demonstrate the goodness of God. then something shut me up. something started to work its way into my heart that said i wasn't called to that. and i started hurting. hurting deep within; my heart grew cold.
but over the past several weeks that coldness has given way to a fire. i met with a friend this week for coffee. as we shared our hearts, my hope was renewed. i'm not alone. my big feelings aren't crazy. my heart is driven out of my beliefs. beliefs that say God is good. God created every single person in His image. God loves every single person. and that God calls us to action. He calls us to be His hands and feet. and last week i felt like i had actually seen the faces of those who feel some of the same things.
if you remember, strategic was one of my strengths and, honestly, i'm not at all sure what that is going to look like yet. i like solutions and i don't have one, in fact, i'm not even sure there is one. but i do know that God is calling me to something. and i'm not willing to sit back and watch. and i pray that one day, i can look and say again, it is well.
far be it from me to not believe
even when my eyes can't see
and this mountain that's in front of me
will be thrown into the midst of the sea
so let go my soul and trust in Him
the waves and the wind still know His name
it is well with my soul
*it is well, bethel music