in the morning.......

this past week has been really hard. i feel like i've come to a wall, or more like i've been put in a room with all walls and no doors or windows. the dizzyness is overwhelming, the back and neck pain is intense, the emotions are everywhere. mostly i feel like i've come to the end. everything i've tried to get better works for a little while and then stops. the resources are dry. my will is waivering. there is new meaning to the verse, "help my unbelief!" after a rather sleepless night due to pain that wouldn't relent, this morning was rough. i practiced some "ugly beautiful" when i listed off gratitude for tears of pain that reveal i still feel emotions, daylight to drive my kids to school in so that the drive wasn't nearly as dizzyfying, another day to bear, etc. as i neared home the song "times" by tenth avenue north came on. this portion touched me deep in my soul.

i hear you say "my love is over,

its underneath, its inside, its in between
the times you doubt me, when you can't feel
the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
the times you've broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well my love is over, its underneath
its inside, its in between,
these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and *are tempted* to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
i'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
i'm there through your heartache
i'm there in the storm
my love i will keep you by my power alone
i don't care where you've fallen, where you have been
i'll never forsake you

my love never ends, it never ends

as i prayed this morning, i begged God for grace. i can't imagine this is what God has for me, but at the same time i can. so, i long for the grace to bear it well and the knowing that God is there - in every single emotion........