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10 years.....

i've had some emotional wrestlings lately.  seen some of my failures big time.  seen a few joys in the midst.  really wrestled with what goes through my mind and weeding out the truth from the lies.  this morning while in the shower, i was taking some time to ask God to help me take my thoughts captive and to think on truth.  there has been one relationship of late that i have struggled with.  not sure where things really stand.  repeating once truths to myself and wondering if those are still truths today.  again, God help me take my thoughts captive.

i was asking God to use this upcoming getaway as a chance to maybe release the lies and cling to the truth.  my husband and i are getting away to one of our favorite spots to celebrate our anniversary.  we've gone there a couple of times, but 10 years ago was probably the toughest.  10 years ago i had just lost our 3rd baby.  i had carried him for 6 weeks and the week before we left a sweet doctor agreed to come in our her day off and do surgery so we could leave on our trip with that behind us.

ironically, it is never behind me.  it is always in front of me.  always in me.  i don't talk about it often, but lately i have.  at first i was rattled by how many other mom's have lost little ones, now i realize i'm one of those other mom's that rattles someone else.

losing a child is hard.  i imagine it would be harder to let go if i had gotten a chance to hold him on earth.  there is the shame, the blame on myself, the hurt, the ache, the emptiness.  i still feel, 10 years later, like my family is incomplete.  that is hard.  how can i enjoy the fullness of what i have if i feel like it isn't full?

i don't have the answers to any of that.  i still ask God why.  i still wonder if our child was a boy or a girl.  i remember every due date, every death date, every surgery date.  i remember the names we had chosen.  i remember having to call people and tell them.  i remember what some people said.  i remember fighting with my husband, i remember holding my other 2 kids tight.  i remember numbness, pain, exhaustion. i remember my child and how for 16 weeks he turned my world upside down.

i remember......



Comments

Anonymous said…
Thank you for your honesty. Know that God is using you through this...He has for the last 10 years and will continue for the next 10 and many more. Love you friend.
October 23, 2013 at 8:29 PM
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