most of you know i chose a word of the year. i take that word and weave it into my life and see just where it might lead. as i pondered choosing a word for 2018 i found myself leaving my job of 13 years, my church of 25 years, and the community there i had come to love. i was hurt. i was scared. i was worried. i was sad. incredibly sad. incredibly hurt. mad at myself. defeated. and believing all sorts of things about myself.
so as i pondered what 2018 might bring i felt a lot of uncertainty. a lot of questions. a lot of stress. a lot of worry. and for whatever reason i decided unhindered was a good word. i was going to take my problems and turn them into loving others unhindered. and 2018 began.
my journey through the year has been a wild, rugged road. it felt like a steep climb that i hoped would someday turn into an amazing view, if i made it. and i honestly felt like giving up so many times. but God decided to show me exactly what He intended when He gave me the word unhindered.
the mountain climb in haiti, just as hard the 3rd time
it started by placing me in a job i can only describe as a gift from God. every day i go to work and help people find their own way out of what hinders them. they live lives that have obstacles that seem greater than any possible way out. but even while working in that dream job, i felt hampered. like true life was just beyond my reach. while i loved them unhindered, i struggled to love myself unhindered.
God had also revealed this amazing community that was choosing to love me unhindered. not only did they simply love, listen and support me; they spoke truth over me, called me out, and spoke prophecy over me: "someday i know you will come through this singing."
so as i wrestled God continued to take me deeper into His Word and deeper into His Truth. He allowed me to sit. to sit at the pool of rejection. but He never left me alone. He surrounded me with a community i never deserved. and when He stopped by one day at that pool and told me to simply pick up my mat and walk, i did. it was hard. and it was easy.
its like God had shown me that my idea of unhindered - giving to others, giving of my money without strings, giving of my time without expectation - was good, but not exactly what He had in mind. in that moment, on my back porch i started listing all those things that had become obstacles in my life. i was living tethered. tethered to my past, to my old job, to my hurt, to my past identity, to what i knew, to the lies i believed about myself, to words said to me, to things people believed to be true but wasn't. i was tethered so tight. i pictured the other tether ball pole on the playground. i was that ball but i had been so tightly wrapped around that pole and could barely breathe. i was living hindered.
so i picked up my mat and walked. i unwound myself from that pole. i leaned on my community. i opened up to my community. i allowed myself to believe their words over the ones in my head. i sought Jesus.
and over the past 4 months i've found myself being set free. i've found myself climbing that rugged trail with confidence. i still have a bit of a limp. i likely always will this side of heaven. but that's okay. the limp doesn't hold me back. the limp reminds me where i've been. the limp has been a source of healing.
i've tried new things.
i've made new friends.
i've fallen deeper in love with my husband.
i've lived true to myself.
i've opened my heart to others.
i've cried.
i've laughed.
i've chosen forgiveness.
i've chosen to embrace life.
i've survived.
i've found myself deeply in love with my job. i love my co-workers. i love my clients. their lives are amazing. they are a gift. they are amazing. they matter. they deserve hope. they deserve to be loved unhindered. they deserve to be set free. they are a part of me.
i can't even begin to describe the peace i have found.
but i can say without a doubt that i will sing again.
the view from the top of the that Haiti mountain - where you can't help but sing
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