for the past 10 years or so I have personally chosen to participate in lent in some way. lent hadn't been a part of my growing up years and still isn't really a part of our church life, but it has found its way into a part of my own faith journey and each year has been a little different. this year was no exception.
so let me back track just a little. last summer i started a weight loss journey with my nurse. she faithfully pushed me, challenged me, weighed me, encouraged me and cheered me on. i remember telling her i'd try her plan, lose 7 and gain back 10. she told me this time would be different. and well, she was right. i lost weight...beyond the 7 pounds. i was ecstatic!!!
in december, i knew God had given me the word flourish for 2019. i wrote some goals in my journal about flourish. a section of those goals included my weight, but the holidays snuck in and carbs tempted me. i gave in to the swedish fish during the great polar vortex of 2019. those little fish did me in and some of the pounds found their way back to my hips.
i reset my mind. refocused my goals and attempted again. in the middle of this attempt i found myself frustrated. so very frustrated. it didn't seem to matter how hard i tried that scale wasn't budging. and with each non-budging day i wanted to hide. i remember walking into a weigh in and knowing it wasn't going to be good. and even kind of joking with my dear nurse that i was going to give up losing weight for lent. she laughed too, wrote my weight down, encouraged me and sent me back out the door for another week.
but i couldn't shake that flippant comment all day. all of a sudden, i felt very aware of the obsession i had with the scale, the size on the tag of my jeans, the carb count in my app. that night, i got home and pulled out my journal where i had written my goals and all the ways God had given me the word flourish to apply to weight loss.
i was sad. so very sad. it seemed like i had created the particularly favorable environment and i wasn't getting any healthier. in that instant i knew, that flippant comment was a gift from God. it wasn't flippant. it was exactly what God knew i needed. and once again, the way i pictured God using this word in my life was turned upside down.
so just like that i gave up losing weight and went to work on those goals. i started doing a bit more weight lifting again with my workouts. i made wise choices a little less than 90%. i so enjoyed my freedom. i found that some choices led to feeling healthy while others didn't. i moved. i repeated "healthy is not equal to skinny" multiple times a day. i didn't once step on the scales. i bought an outfit and didn't give a care in the world what size it was because i LOVED it! and at the urging of my 16 year old daughter i bought and wore a bikini on spring break.
why am i telling you all of this? because i think it matters. at first i just focused on the freedom, but lent is not meant to be about freedom. it's meant to make us reflect and struggle. and while i did all those things above it was hard. hard to not step on that scale every morning. hard to not look at myself in the mirror and speak negatively to me. hard to stop looking at all my skinny friends and wishing i could just be them. and this is where Jesus met me. in my bathroom every single morning. this is where He sat down with me and confronted each and every statement. one by one. day by day. and somewhere in the midst of lent i realized that God was pruning away the weeds in my heart and mind and creating space "to grow in a healthy way: flourish"
i realized that for the first time since high school i was not trying to lose weight. that's more than half of my life. the goal weight i had set? i weighed that once...it wasn't good enough then, it wasn't gonna be good enough now. i have always seen myself as the number on the scale or the size of my jeans. i would cry about that number a lot. that number controlled my emotions and i was so afraid it would determine my friendships. i have wasted money on these quick fix ideas to lose those stubborn 10 pounds. i have pleaded with God to change this thing. to change that number. to change that pattern.
then there is this: each week our pastor says that Jesus changes everything. being an english major i tend to pick grammar apart. and yes, that statement is true, but i was getting myself focused on the everyTHING. why wouldn't he change my weight gain? the reality is Jesus changes us. He changes our heart, our mind, our soul. but He never promises to change the things in our life that catch us. wow. seriously, wow! it isn't the things in life that will flourish. it is my heart that will flourish.
Jesus has been busy pruning my heart and mind this lent. He has cut away so much and exposed some deep wounds. deep cuts. but just like a cut on your arm needs to be exposed to good air to heal, so do the wounds of my heart. and when the crap is cut away the wounds begin to heal. there was a lot of crap exposed. but from about 2015-2018 i was afraid of who i was. it seemed like the essence of me was wrong. i couldn't figure out why. but i had enough voices speaking into my life and kindly pointing out what they saw as wrong that i bought it. voices that silenced me. i bought the truth that all the ways i thought i was growing in my faith was bad, wrong. i began to hide. i stayed silent. and in that silence i lost sight of God. sight of being His child. in the past year i have started to find my voice again but was struggling to accept my physical being; forgetting that i was made in the image of God, fearfully and wonderfully made. but maybe, i am. maybe i am a beautiful child of God.
as i move out of lent, i have a knew sense of myself. a sense of who I am in Jesus. i am who HE says i am. my goals from lent are moving on with me. i know i need self-control so i plan to refocus with fasting 2 days a week. not to lose weight, but to practice self-control and order. i plan to enjoy real foods. i plan to enjoy dessert out with my friends. i plan to keep speaking to my heart in the way Jesus does.
Jesus really does change us; even the way we respond to His image dwelling within us. girls, i know us. i know how often we talk about our weight, the way our clothes fit, the newest diet we are on, what we are are going to treat ourselves with when we lose that weight, that we are going to eat that dessert because nothing is working anyway. girls, we are way too focused on that scale, that number. let's focus on caring for our bodies as God's temple. churches have different sizes, designs, shapes...just like us. let's embrace our being made in His image. let's own it. let it change your heart. and live freely. we are called not to be skinny, but to love God, love others, act justly, love mercy and walk humbly. lets focus on that. simply that.
so let me back track just a little. last summer i started a weight loss journey with my nurse. she faithfully pushed me, challenged me, weighed me, encouraged me and cheered me on. i remember telling her i'd try her plan, lose 7 and gain back 10. she told me this time would be different. and well, she was right. i lost weight...beyond the 7 pounds. i was ecstatic!!!
in december, i knew God had given me the word flourish for 2019. i wrote some goals in my journal about flourish. a section of those goals included my weight, but the holidays snuck in and carbs tempted me. i gave in to the swedish fish during the great polar vortex of 2019. those little fish did me in and some of the pounds found their way back to my hips.
i reset my mind. refocused my goals and attempted again. in the middle of this attempt i found myself frustrated. so very frustrated. it didn't seem to matter how hard i tried that scale wasn't budging. and with each non-budging day i wanted to hide. i remember walking into a weigh in and knowing it wasn't going to be good. and even kind of joking with my dear nurse that i was going to give up losing weight for lent. she laughed too, wrote my weight down, encouraged me and sent me back out the door for another week.
but i couldn't shake that flippant comment all day. all of a sudden, i felt very aware of the obsession i had with the scale, the size on the tag of my jeans, the carb count in my app. that night, i got home and pulled out my journal where i had written my goals and all the ways God had given me the word flourish to apply to weight loss.
flourish: to grow or develop in a healthy or vigorous way, especially as the result of a particularly favorable environment
i was sad. so very sad. it seemed like i had created the particularly favorable environment and i wasn't getting any healthier. in that instant i knew, that flippant comment was a gift from God. it wasn't flippant. it was exactly what God knew i needed. and once again, the way i pictured God using this word in my life was turned upside down.
at my next appointment i walked in with a list of new goals:
to be strong
to make wise choices 90% of the time
to enjoy freedom
to seek health
to move
to be healthy- not skinny
to not be consumed by weight loss
to feel confident with my "self"
and...i really was giving up losing weight for lent.
i think she thought i was nuts, but when i read her my goals i think she was a little proud.
why am i telling you all of this? because i think it matters. at first i just focused on the freedom, but lent is not meant to be about freedom. it's meant to make us reflect and struggle. and while i did all those things above it was hard. hard to not step on that scale every morning. hard to not look at myself in the mirror and speak negatively to me. hard to stop looking at all my skinny friends and wishing i could just be them. and this is where Jesus met me. in my bathroom every single morning. this is where He sat down with me and confronted each and every statement. one by one. day by day. and somewhere in the midst of lent i realized that God was pruning away the weeds in my heart and mind and creating space "to grow in a healthy way: flourish"
i realized that for the first time since high school i was not trying to lose weight. that's more than half of my life. the goal weight i had set? i weighed that once...it wasn't good enough then, it wasn't gonna be good enough now. i have always seen myself as the number on the scale or the size of my jeans. i would cry about that number a lot. that number controlled my emotions and i was so afraid it would determine my friendships. i have wasted money on these quick fix ideas to lose those stubborn 10 pounds. i have pleaded with God to change this thing. to change that number. to change that pattern.
then there is this: each week our pastor says that Jesus changes everything. being an english major i tend to pick grammar apart. and yes, that statement is true, but i was getting myself focused on the everyTHING. why wouldn't he change my weight gain? the reality is Jesus changes us. He changes our heart, our mind, our soul. but He never promises to change the things in our life that catch us. wow. seriously, wow! it isn't the things in life that will flourish. it is my heart that will flourish.
Jesus has been busy pruning my heart and mind this lent. He has cut away so much and exposed some deep wounds. deep cuts. but just like a cut on your arm needs to be exposed to good air to heal, so do the wounds of my heart. and when the crap is cut away the wounds begin to heal. there was a lot of crap exposed. but from about 2015-2018 i was afraid of who i was. it seemed like the essence of me was wrong. i couldn't figure out why. but i had enough voices speaking into my life and kindly pointing out what they saw as wrong that i bought it. voices that silenced me. i bought the truth that all the ways i thought i was growing in my faith was bad, wrong. i began to hide. i stayed silent. and in that silence i lost sight of God. sight of being His child. in the past year i have started to find my voice again but was struggling to accept my physical being; forgetting that i was made in the image of God, fearfully and wonderfully made. but maybe, i am. maybe i am a beautiful child of God.
as i move out of lent, i have a knew sense of myself. a sense of who I am in Jesus. i am who HE says i am. my goals from lent are moving on with me. i know i need self-control so i plan to refocus with fasting 2 days a week. not to lose weight, but to practice self-control and order. i plan to enjoy real foods. i plan to enjoy dessert out with my friends. i plan to keep speaking to my heart in the way Jesus does.
Jesus really does change us; even the way we respond to His image dwelling within us. girls, i know us. i know how often we talk about our weight, the way our clothes fit, the newest diet we are on, what we are are going to treat ourselves with when we lose that weight, that we are going to eat that dessert because nothing is working anyway. girls, we are way too focused on that scale, that number. let's focus on caring for our bodies as God's temple. churches have different sizes, designs, shapes...just like us. let's embrace our being made in His image. let's own it. let it change your heart. and live freely. we are called not to be skinny, but to love God, love others, act justly, love mercy and walk humbly. lets focus on that. simply that.
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