so i had a major breakdown this week. i just couldn't turn the tears off. it all started when the car door slammed shut on my eye. OUCH!!! so for whatever reason that started a flood of tears that just would not stop. that was monday....tuesday i cried a lot more in the morning. ugh...i'm not usually so emotional.
so this morning i was journaling. i started asking myself how i got to this point. it was just about a year ago when i was so pumped about life. God was really speaking to me clearly and i was obeying and i was excited for what the year would bring. about november some things started to unravel. the year was then a series of events that just wiped me out. it took a lot of emotion out of me to go through some of the trials.
i am glad i had them - don't get me wrong. they have definitely taught me a lot. at about trial 3, my dad said it best when he said, "men will disappoint you and hurt you, but God will not." wow...that helps put some things into perspective.
it just seemed that when one trial was passing and we were able to breathe another one came along. i hate being a needy friend, so i apologize to those of you who got to listen to my rants! i would stop and ask God why on earth He felt the need to teach us something different. and couldn't we just learn it! i mean, geesh...how much does one family have to take.
here's the irony - and the humility. sure, our world has been turned upside down a lot of times this year. people have hurt us and our lives have changed. we went from certaintity to uncertaintity i don't know how many times. we had some good times with great friends and we had a couple of great family trips. then our world changed again leaving us with the certaintity of the decision to enter a time of uncertainity.
now...i'm about to venture into a world that leaves me feeling overwhelmed. i told God today i was tired. tired of being strong and feeling like i could do it all. but this is what i'm called to right now. i run our children's ministry, as most of you know, and for whatever reason workers are dropping like flies. i've tried to recruit new ones and then they get involved other places and then i'm back to where i started. so it is back to me again. while i love it and thoroughly enjoy leading it, i realized i'm going to very quickly starve. i'll starve for some time to be fed myself. God gently, or not so gently, told me to feed myself.
so i came away deciding that the circumstances aren't going to change soon. and while at times today i still felt completely overwhelmed, i decided i need to just take one week at a time. i need to only look at what places i'm teaching this week and what needs done this week to get through. it is when i look at how much i have going on that i just fall apart. i've never been that kind of person. i can usually juggle many things and do it well.
so later today i realized it isn't the juggling that i'm struggling with. it is the loneliness in that juggling. it is the fact that i'm alone in it. or atleast feel that way right now. i really hate that from october to january i will not sit in church with my husband. i will not hear a sermon or attend an adult class. what i really hate is feeling like really, noone cares. which i know isn't true because a few of my friends have expressed their concern in me taking this on.
even in the midst of those things - i've got it good. i have a husband that loves me, dearly. i have 2 healthy kids that are happy (most days!) and i have a home, and food and that is where i'm blessed...
so there you have it...where i've been and where i'm going. learning to try to live each week at a time and counting the blessings in my life.....and fully aware - that i've really got it pretty darn good!
so this morning i was journaling. i started asking myself how i got to this point. it was just about a year ago when i was so pumped about life. God was really speaking to me clearly and i was obeying and i was excited for what the year would bring. about november some things started to unravel. the year was then a series of events that just wiped me out. it took a lot of emotion out of me to go through some of the trials.
i am glad i had them - don't get me wrong. they have definitely taught me a lot. at about trial 3, my dad said it best when he said, "men will disappoint you and hurt you, but God will not." wow...that helps put some things into perspective.
it just seemed that when one trial was passing and we were able to breathe another one came along. i hate being a needy friend, so i apologize to those of you who got to listen to my rants! i would stop and ask God why on earth He felt the need to teach us something different. and couldn't we just learn it! i mean, geesh...how much does one family have to take.
here's the irony - and the humility. sure, our world has been turned upside down a lot of times this year. people have hurt us and our lives have changed. we went from certaintity to uncertaintity i don't know how many times. we had some good times with great friends and we had a couple of great family trips. then our world changed again leaving us with the certaintity of the decision to enter a time of uncertainity.
now...i'm about to venture into a world that leaves me feeling overwhelmed. i told God today i was tired. tired of being strong and feeling like i could do it all. but this is what i'm called to right now. i run our children's ministry, as most of you know, and for whatever reason workers are dropping like flies. i've tried to recruit new ones and then they get involved other places and then i'm back to where i started. so it is back to me again. while i love it and thoroughly enjoy leading it, i realized i'm going to very quickly starve. i'll starve for some time to be fed myself. God gently, or not so gently, told me to feed myself.
so i came away deciding that the circumstances aren't going to change soon. and while at times today i still felt completely overwhelmed, i decided i need to just take one week at a time. i need to only look at what places i'm teaching this week and what needs done this week to get through. it is when i look at how much i have going on that i just fall apart. i've never been that kind of person. i can usually juggle many things and do it well.
so later today i realized it isn't the juggling that i'm struggling with. it is the loneliness in that juggling. it is the fact that i'm alone in it. or atleast feel that way right now. i really hate that from october to january i will not sit in church with my husband. i will not hear a sermon or attend an adult class. what i really hate is feeling like really, noone cares. which i know isn't true because a few of my friends have expressed their concern in me taking this on.
even in the midst of those things - i've got it good. i have a husband that loves me, dearly. i have 2 healthy kids that are happy (most days!) and i have a home, and food and that is where i'm blessed...
so there you have it...where i've been and where i'm going. learning to try to live each week at a time and counting the blessings in my life.....and fully aware - that i've really got it pretty darn good!
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