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honesty......

so this morning i woke with the birds and thunder in the background. seems rather fitting - sweet little birds and roaring thunder. a bit of my life these days.
anyways, i decided that my legs needed to rest this morning, (they were still burning from yesterdays run) so i grabbed my cup of coffee and bible and headed outside. i was reading from hebrews and over and over i kept reading "today, please listen; don't turn a deaf ear..." hmm...i guess God wanted me to listen huh?
so i just sat and asked God what He wanted me to hear. i got silence for awhile. so i kept reading beyond the turn a deaf ear part. it seemed God was referring back to the wilderness wandering. that even though God continually provided they didn't "hear" Him.
which leads me to this
today i am struggling to hear God because of the above picture. i knew i was a bit touchy yesterday. i wanted to blame it on the heat and i'm sure that was part of it, but if i want to be honest, i'm exausted!!!!!!!!
you see, it is summer, which is my busy time at work normally. this summer i'm throwing in a few extra big projects which has left me overwhelmed and guilty. guilty because i feel like i'm doing nothing well and guilty because my kids are home and have spent the past 4 hours in front of the tv. what a horrible mom i am - and yes, i am blogging right now, but because i feel like i might burst if i don't get the junk out!
the picture encompasses my life right now...my computer always on begging me to finish writing curriculum. the curriculum starter book waiting to be finished. bills left in the envelope because i'm too overwhelmed to figure out how to make things workout this month financially, school supplies starting to pile up because they are already on sale and we got the list 3 weeks ago. bowling coupons because i thought i'd be a fun mom and somewhere this week take my kids to use their free bowling. other coupons because i haven't been to the grocery store in about 3 weeks and still don't have my list ready, yet realize if i don't go today we will eat pb&j for supper tonight. stuff for 3 church events that i'm a part of organizing in some way and things that desperately need filed.
ironically, this corner was supposed to be my happy spot and i HATE going there. i rarely use that word, but it is my exact feeling. it overwhelms me. nowhere to put stuff, the reminder that i have stuff left undone, the reminder i've let the family down, ugh....
i have a to-do list there as well. it was from 2 days ago. i was supposed to check everything off that list then. i still have 2 items on it and a new list is brewing that needs finished by tomorrow. i also wanted to go to a funeral visitation tomorrow to be there for a college friend, but well, that isn't gonna happen.
so on my way to church this morning to work, i heard sanctus real's song lead me...and it broke my heart. that is so where i am right now. LEAD ME!!!! because i am supposed to be leading others and am falling way short these days. some have reminded me of that while others have extended grace.
but here is where i'm getting at - here is the verse in whole
"Today, please listen; don't turn a deaf ear as in the bitter uprising."
Hebrews 3:15 from the Message
ahh...you see, what God wanted to tell me is that i'm starting to have my own "bitter uprising" and He is trying to catch me before i go there. or atleast pull me back. i look at my calendar and i cringe. all that is left to do comes rushing over me. i look at our checkbook and wonder why? i look.....
and then i LOOKED....above me fluttered a hummingbird and several birds swooped in to find their morning meal. the thunder was rolling in the background. you see...God was showing me that He does care for our needs - our daily needs. He provides the birds with daily food, why should I not trust Him for our daily needs? the thunder rolling in the back ground to reminded me that God is a mighty God. He is in command.
i do feel overwhelmed - and i'm sure that although it feels good to get this out, it is also a way to procrastinate figuring out where to start today.
but TODAY, i'm trying TO LISTEN, and NOT TURN A DEAF EAR and TO NOT HAVE A BITTER UPRISING OF MY OWN!!!

Comments

Kevin Flick said…
love you! praying for you! thankful for your honest heart! He will provide...i know He will because He has. He won't leave you to do it on your own.
July 8, 2010 at 8:16 PM
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