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mad church

last spring i was feeling quite drained....i am on staff part time at my church and while i absolutely love what i do, i had hit a low...i just couldn't do anymore! about that same time, i stumbled onto flowerdust. on this incredible site, i was able to put words to what i felt.



i ordered the book and dug right into it and boy was it amazing. it helped to shed a light on why i even felt like i did and how to stop the burnout. i put the advice to practice and it actually worked...



...well, until recently, that is. and while i think the advice is still very much true and would help still, i once again find myself back in that hole. having coffee with dear friend today was great, but i found myself talking about church - a topic i said i would totally avoid. it appears i can't. it has consumed my very being.



that last statement....that is the clincher. as i drove home i was mad. i hate talking about church - i hate that i talk about it the way i do. i hate that i feel about it the way i do..don't get me wrong, there are some amazing things happening...i'm just not one of them. i don't mean that in a prideful i should be amazing kind of way. i mean that in that i feel alone, tired, burned out, dry, weary, stressed, done, joyless. i don't like feeling that way.



i sat at the bus stop waiting for my kiddos hashing this out with God. He just kindly listened...i am passionate about kids. passionate about reaching them for Jesus. passionate about their families. ARE YOU? while my core being is, the rest of me right now isn't. the rest of me is tired of meetings, tired of changing strategy, tired of changing mission...and while there is excitement in that, i'm frankly tired of doing church.



i want to live for Jesus. i want to love Him. i want to desire Him. i want others to know Him. i guess those are pretty selfish statements...aren't i supposed to be about others? yes....and that right there is my problem. i think i'm tired of talking and doing church....i want to be who i am designed by God to be. and frankly, i'm not sure anymore who or what that is.



i write this as a window to my soul - and hopefully as a way for God to teach me. i'm a journaler at heart. it is in my journaling that i learn from God.....so as i ponder all that i feel and all that i desire, i expose myself to others. but what does it mean to do church and is that different from living for God? and what do we tend to do: church or living?



i know this too shall pass, it always does, but it does beg the chance to stop and think. to wonder why i feel the way i do. to seek to change. to seek truth. to seek reconciliation. to wonder......

Comments

wee little man said…
I suppose what you are tired of with "doing church" are responsibilities within your community of faith that extend beyond your own personal spiritual formation and responsibilities. Life would be a lot easier if all we had to consider was ourself. Whether you are a staff person, a leader, a volunteer, or a dedicated church member....it gets harder, messier, and far more challenging when you try to seriously embrace some ownership over what happens or doesn't happen at church. There is inevitable disappointment in yourself, others, or both.
If working as a staff member actually destroys the joy or passion of being God's workmanship...then I would say you might either be at the wrong church, or you at the right church..but in the wrong position...to use a common metaphor..on the right bus..but in the wrong seat. I would encourage you to be free to find the right bus, and the right seat. I hope you also have the courage to extricate yourself from something that is sucking the life out of you, whether it's church or something else.
September 10, 2009 at 11:50 PM
Kevin Flick said…
hey you. thank you for your honesty. i think if most of were honest, we would find that most of us feel the same way. i really understand although i am not "doing" ministry like you. i really feel shoved into the same corner at times...i know i put myself there most times. i hate it too. i am longing to figure out who i am supposed to be...what He wants me to be too. i think the "trap" is that we want it right now and aren't patient to wait it out and see it for the beautiful process that it is. i honestly in a small part of my heart thought we would move and wah-la, everything would be figured out and i wouldn't be in a rut anymore. well i'm stil there and dealing with the fact that i am still there and now on my own dealing with it. BUT that's the thing, i'm not on my own...He is here with me and i have to remember that. ok...sorry to dump...but thanks for being honest! it is how i feel too.
(btw...this is the female flick not the male one, in case you were wondering! haha!)
September 11, 2009 at 3:43 PM
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