the back door

 as i began to ponder all that i had learned about myself in 2020 i found amazing places of adaptability, leadership, and change.  those are great strengths and proved to be valuable in 2020, however those same things left me feeling a bit out of sorts, unanchored.  i know my life needs to find some grounding again.  i told my husband yesterday and a friend today that i am not looking forward to 2021.  no big plans. no vacations to look forward to.  several things are already cancelled and leaving some voids at work.  but really...there is nothing like being an incredible social person and realizing 2021 has a looming sense of loneliness when my girl takes on college. with this in mind, i knew i needed to find some ways to reclaim myself; putting space into my life filled with things that bring joy and peace.  there are things i need to continue changing physically, emotionally, spiritually, and relationally, yet discipline is not in my skill set....

 well....here we are.  wrapping up 2020.  it was quite a year, wasn't it?  for the past couple of weeks i've been taking some time to reflect on my word for 2020 and how it shaped the year.  the ways it changed me.  the ways i failed it.  they ways i found a reset. there is no point in rehashing the events of 2020.  i mean, it was a year no one will quickly forget, but i had no idea all the ways 2020 would force some resets in my life. i had wanted to reset my spiritual life.  that proved interesting when we found ourselves at home on Sunday mornings instead of in church.  it proved interesting as church community was displaced.   but God... He so clearly showed me that spiritual health happens outside of church walls on Sunday mornings.  i experienced growth as i was challenged to seek out how God would want me to respond to Covid, personal rights, the election, racism, hatred, and division.  i grew in different ways...

i have this weird mix of emotions when it comes to celebrating me.  i don't particularly love to be celebrated publicly, but on my birthday and mother's day i can't be celebrated enough.  i know.  it's strange.  and probably wrong.  but it is what it is. as we turned the page to 2020 i set a few intentions.  my word for the year is reset and there were areas i new needed a fresh start.  as i prayed through those God made it clear i needed to learn to process and deal with disappointment.  i have experienced a lot of that, and for some reason, when i'm disappointed it sinks deep into my roots where i begin to believe i'm the sole cause.  i'm the sole reason. i alone am to blame. so i've been trying to grapple through those disappointments; trying to name them, confess them and process them for what they are and not just see them as a reflection of me.  a certain area of disappointment had created this long list of things i believed to...

new year.  new decade. new word.  i started the habit of choosing a word almost exactly a decade ago.  each year the word has evolved and helped shape the year. well, this year is quite likely the exception.  or at least i thought it was.  my usual yearly reflection takes me on a journey through the year where the word has evolved into something entirely different than the road i envisioned. and usually i am in awe of how God used that word. this year was strange.  looking back on the goals i set, i see failure, not awe.  now before you go and tell me i am not a failure, i did fail at the goals i set.  truly.  goal 1:  grow and develop in a healthy way.  nope.  ending the year with extra instead of less.  attempted, yet didn't follow through on many health plans.  goal 2:  grow spiritually through meditation, scripture reading, and community.  nope.  ending the year with little reading and loss ...

for the past 10 years or so I have personally chosen to participate in lent in some way.  lent hadn't been a part of my growing up years and still isn't really a part of our church life, but it has found its way into a part of my own faith journey and each year has been a little different.  this year was no exception. so let me back track just a little.  last summer i started a weight loss journey with my nurse.  she faithfully pushed me, challenged me, weighed me, encouraged me and cheered me on.  i remember telling her i'd try her plan, lose 7 and gain back 10.  she told me this time would be different. and well, she was right.  i lost weight...beyond the 7 pounds.  i was ecstatic!!! in december, i knew God had given me the word flourish for 2019.  i wrote some goals in my journal about flourish.  a section of those goals included my weight, but the holidays snuck in and carbs tempted me.  i gave in to the swedish fish during ...

this tradition of a word of the year has proven to be one of my favorites.  the focus it provides.  the journey it provides.  the revealing of God.  this word thing is special. this might be the first time in the past 10 or so years that my word of the year was actually given to me.  spoken to me.  written to me.  gifted to me.  and the moment i heard it, read it, received it, i knew.  this was my word for 2019. this gift arrived early november as i had just stepped into a part of something that in the past had left me feeling defeated, unwanted, wrong, and confused.  but i was willing to try just one more time at her rather persistent encouragement and the gift of new friends.  while away that weekend, listening to my friends share their stories, listening to those in small group share their hearts, and being given the time to craft, i knew.  i knew that God was whispering "it's time to flourish my child.  it...

most of you know i chose a word of the year. i take that word and weave it into my life and see just where it might lead.  as i pondered choosing a word for 2018 i found myself leaving my job of 13 years, my church of 25 years, and the community there i had come to love.  i was hurt.  i was scared.  i was worried.  i was sad.  incredibly sad.  incredibly hurt.  mad at myself.  defeated.  and believing all sorts of things about myself.   so as i pondered what 2018 might bring i felt a lot of uncertainty.  a lot of questions.  a lot of stress.  a lot of worry.  and for whatever reason i decided unhindered was a good word.  i was going to take my problems and turn them into loving others unhindered.  and 2018 began. my journey through the year has been a wild, rugged road.  it felt like a steep climb that i hoped would someday turn into an amazing view, if i made it.  and i hone...

i like words.  i like to speak them.  i like to think them.  i like to hear them.  i like to study them.  i like being able to name something.  each and everything should have a name.  and when i couldn't put a name to the emotion wrestling in my heart over all i had lost, over all i was feeling, over what hurt deep, i was lost.  i needed to name it.  but, for a lot of months i just couldn't.  so i wrestled.  wrestled with God.  just like jacob. and just like jacob, my wrestling match with God left me limp. limp and sitting at the pool of: {rejection} for that was it.  that was the emotion.  it now had a name:  rejection. it came completely out of the blue.  it hit me like a crashing wave one afternoon.  i shouldn't be surprised by God, but this caught me off guard. it's hard to share my story.  i still live surrounded by it.  and all of the various truths and falsehoods associated wit...

the past few months have been full of change and transition.  i'm not gonna lie, it's been hard, yet somehow peaceful.  after 13 years in ministry at the same church and 20 years as part of that church, stepping back and leaving felt overwhelming and daunting.  there was a great deal of sadness and loss.  for the kids i taught, for the team i worked with, for the friends i met, and for my own kids who only knew one church home.   over the past two months i've done a little contemplation and a whole of lot of asking why.  but as God always does, He reveals His answers in the most simply beautiful ways.  and the past two weeks have been full of His revelation.   back in college i learned a whole slew of cheesy bible verse songs.  they drove me batty back then, but the truth is, they are the first to come to mind as i seek the Lord.  this seeking was no different as one verse was playing through my mind over and over....

“Look through there.  Just look.  Gaze for a few minutes, boy. Do you see it, boy? Do you see it?” Looking back, even through a small hole, creates a unique perspective on the past.  And while it may somewhat limit our view, it also changes our perspective.  I find myself working on living in the present.  In a world of hustle it is easy to get distracted and not at all focused on the here and now.  Or sometimes we are so caught up in trying to find our dreams and plan for the future that we forget to live in the present.  Being present is hard, yet so deeply needed.  It is important to my husband, my children, my friends, my neighbors, and most importantly God.  For in the present we are able to see the need in front of us. To act upon those needs.  To be the hands and feet of Jesus. I believe God calls us to be present. The world tells us to set goals; financial, health, professional, family.  We spend hours crea...

last night i sat with a group of friends around the table.  it was such a sweet time.  full of laughter, tears, and stories better kept at that table. as we sat there i took a few minutes to take in the people around the table.  some i've known forever.  some are new friends.  some were students in our ministries, turned dear friends. i'm blessed with amazing friends from so many places.  and so many friends have carried my through the year. 2017 has been the year of the winding road.  in choosing the word present for 2017 i sought to slow down and soak in those around me.  there were surprises at every single curve in the road.  the road became quite hilly along the way filled with all sorts of highs and lows, but while sitting at a table one day, the road came to a dead end i found myself lost and confused.  and it was there at that dead end that i met Jesus.  don't get me wrong.  i met Jesus years ago, but at t...

the past couple weeks have definitely had me on a roller coaster of emotions.  between sending my kids back to school, both in high school now,  and the events of the world, august has left me feeling all sorts of feels.   several years ago, our pastor had all the staff do this strength finders test.  it was designed to help us learn about ourselves.  my top 2 didn't really surprise me:  strategic and belief.  they tend to be both a blessing and a curse.  mostly a curse. i feel big feels.  and when i feel them, i can't shake them.  and i love to find solutions.  and lately i've felt a lot of big feels, but the solutions?  they allude me... this morning i was driving to church and listening to a sermon.  the pastor has been talking about joshua leading into the promise land.  today he was sharing how the truth is that God has it.  God has everything in His control.  He could have knocked down the...

the written word. that was my word of the year for 2016.  it started out strong.  i read 3 books in the first week of January, journaled, and sent several hand written letters.  i even blogged.  twice. i read more this year than in recent pasts, but not as much as i had hoped.  i sent letters out well.  but by around march all journaling stopped.  i think i blogged once after march.  maybe.   through a series of hard conversations i felt as though my voice was taken from me.  its a little hard to explain.  i tried to share it the other night.  i'm not sure i can.  but that conversation played in my mind frequently this year, mostly because every couple of months i got the chance to be reminded.  it was hard.  it stung.  it really hurt. silence is hard for me.  almost deafening. as the year went on i watched a world of sadness unfold.  from #blacklivesmatter to the election proc...

the hand of God.  what do you think of?  what images come to mind?  if i can be honest, i've come to dislike this phrase.  i tend to roll my eyes at it.  not because i don't believe in the hand of God.  i just find the use of this phrase saddens my heart.  makes me weary. last week i watched in great heartache as hurricane Matthew ravaged Haiti.  most of us were more concerned about our loved ones in florida and the rest of the east coast. i by no means intend to belittle that concern.  it is valid and very real.  in fact i have family that now has a flooded house. but haiti. have you been there?  i'm convinced more than ever that unless you have personally visited a 3rd world country you can't fathom the devastation of this magnitude.  here in America we can rebuild fairly quickly.  or at least provide decent protective shelter, clean water, insurance help,  we can board up our homes and businesses and head inl...